Why Couples Argue?
Marriage is the most intimate of all relationships. When the couples are unable to get along well together, the arguments begin. Arguing over things is a method that couples use to avoid becoming more vulnerable to each other. It’s way to gain control, to be right or hide things to protect themselves. When this is the case, counseling may help them to discover the real hidden reasons behind the arguments.
It needs to be understood that each person is trying to get something out of these arguments There also are times when the rights being argued about helps to make them feel better. And it is a way to help them figure out how to manage their differences.
There are various reasons why couples argue.
*Needing to be “right.” There are people who have a great need to always be “right.” They want to be right even when they are not wrong.
Some people will continue to argue to be right, even when they realized in the middle of the argument that their position makes no sense. So, the argument continues, until the other partner is worn down, and finally agree with them. To end the arguing, the other person give in to the other partner, just to settle things.
*The need for power. There are people who view arguing over things as a means to gain power. They will keep trying to get their partner to agree to what they are saying, or pay attention to them. They go at it until the other person backs down. When that happens, the other partner feels they have the advantage, that they have won the argument, and now have the power in the relationship.
*The need for control. There are individuals who have a need to be in control.To be in control puts them in a position to dominate their partner. It enables them to determine and decide everything that affects them. So they feel less vulnerable.
*The need to hide something. Arguing is fairly common in situations where a spouse has been unfaithful. When asked why he or she was late, rather than confront that issue, a diversion tactic is used. When asked about a financial issue, or where he or she has been going to, instead of dealing with that particular issue, a fight is started to avoid or hide something from the other partner. The one that started the argument will have the other person so busy arguing about other things , until the original issues of importance are sidetracked.
The thing to keep in mind is that it’s normal for couples to argue. For some couples it helps relieve their stress. For others, it is a way to get their partner’s attention. And some couples use arguments as a means to work through things so they can makeup and become intimate.
But when the arguing escalates into constant bitter dragged out battles, there is a need to see a trained counselor or psychologist to resolve the conflict. Or if preferred, seek out their pastor for spiritual guidance when the arguments gets too difficult to handle alone.
Most of the time couples will be able to work things out by themselves.The more they know each other, the more they are able to tell what the reasons are for the arguments. They will be more likely to settle things amicably between them.
Ending the arguing simply means learning how to work things out in an equitable and negotiable way. Learning to agree to disagree about some things is a wonderful solution to end some of the arguments. It’s important to let go of insignificant things.